I used to be scared of death. Now I mostly just want
to know if ghosts get to nap whenever they want.
I’m probably just a weird person. I’m sure if I asked for a show of hands, everyone reading would have one up. It’s not that I’m not scared, but I don’t fear what comes next. Death may not become me, and I don’t see a Beetlejuice scenario in my future. But I do see the good in finding humor in buying the farm.
Living with chronic illness has a way of bringing out the irony between living and dying. I mean seriously, can you see me as a farmer? On the other hand, I’m not laughing about death, I’m finding deliberate, lighthearted humor in the road leading me there. Living with one boob, looking like Sally, feeling like Billy Butcherson is an honest assessment of my life, but not in how others see me. No, in how I see myself sometimes. And that’s where the humor comes in. It helps me laugh, accept the inevitable without losing my marbles.
Fact: I shouldn’t be here. Reality: I am. I find humor in that. You know the old, “What doesn't kill you makes you stronger”? It’s a truth and a fact and sometimes an irony.
For me, once I processed what was happening to my body, a transformation happened. I was able to make peace with what will come while living free in the moment. I let go of explaining my illness. I just became me… spoonie, mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend.
The demons and fear of death slipped away, and the peace and yearning to live each day fully became my way of life. I accepted the setbacks. I forgave myself for all my insecurities. Suddenly, I wasn’t ashamed of being sick or afraid of being a disappointment anymore. Once I finally accepted the unpredictability of life with chronic illness, I was free.
Laughing about my very own pharmacy at home, to making bets on how many sticks it takes to get blood or an IV in became comical, laughable. And while it may sound crazy, being able to laugh at myself and find humor in my illness is some of the best medicine I’ve ever accepted.
I’m not saying goodbye now. I don’t like goodbyes. I prefer till we meet again. What I am doing though is preparing. I’m writing letters to those I love, leaving plans, forgiving past hurts, letting go of what has been lost, allowing peace to become part of me and saying things that need to be said. However, if you’re a bit worried, don’t be.
I’m living in the moment, loving those I love and who love me, traveling, making memories. I haven’t given up. I’m a fighter. But I also understand the reality of what’s behind, in front and on both sides of me…. the big sleep.
So, if I joke about giving up the ghost, just remember, I'm being facetious. I mean seriously, if you think I don’t plan to come back and haunt ya’ll, you’ve missed the point.