Chronically Complicated (0/10, Do Not Recommend)

Simple? Yeah...we don't do that here.

You know that old saying, "If you know, you know." Personally, I'd rather not know. Chronic illness just doesn't work that way, unfortunately. Maybe if I said no to additional lab work, protested any more testing, refused one more surgery or stopped showing up to my doctor appointments, I'd know less. That is until I landed in ICU or something.

Ideally, finding out I was suddenly cured overnight would be best. Think about that. No more pokes, IVs, hospital stays, lab lists as long as Santa’s lists put together or a growing pharmacy of my own at home, Wow! How would that feel? I don’t know. But since we all know that's not plausible, I'll just go with the daydream, for a minute or two.

Any time new symptoms show up, I freeze. I just do. I don’t have time to sort out normal from abnormal, just a glitch to complicated, or “ding, ding, ding” new problem alert! Look, I’ve accepted this way of life, and all the crazy chaos that goes with it. But I’ll say it... I hate being chronically ill. It’s just ridiculous, is what it is. 

The worst part is when your doctors can’t figure out what’s happening. Why can’t they? You don’t ever present normally. You’re special. Or as my neurologist says, “Christina you’re complicated. I learn something new from you all the time.” Yeah, that would be me. Why would I do anything in life, more less illness, normally?

The best advice I ever got was from my oldest son. “Normal is overrated.” I keep that in mind every time a bone breaks for no apparent reason, lab work goes wacky, a new hot spot shows up in my scan, bruises appear that I have no idea where they came from, or blacking out and wondering why I’m on the floor. Again, not a normal life. But then again what is normal?

I have no idea. And I never will. I can’t complain or be mad. I don’t want to waste the time I have with bitterness or what ifs. All I can do is keep swimming. Keep trying. Keep living. So, what if Parkinson’s disease and a REM disorder are the new flavors of the month? 

Let’s face it, I’m not thrilled. It’s a bitter taste in my mouth. And yes, I’m still letting it sink in. Probably not well either. But does it count that I’m trying? Cause that's what we do, those of us, chronically complicated. Every day we live with chronic illness, you know us spoonies, we make a decision to get up and keep going.